Every year from when I was a young kid I loved chrismas! The memories of being so excited that santa was on his way! Christmas eve was quite and event in my italian household. Although we didn't have a large italian gathering it was very italian! We had lasagna, pasta, sauce and meatballs and breads. My mother's parents would come, they were my world! I adored my grandparents! I remember my mother making my grandfather 3 castagnas (roasted chestnuts) he loved those every year! For anyone who met my grandmother (Nona, Old Lady, Grammy) she was always the entertainment! She added life to my soul. My sisters job was to make pies, her baking was and still is out of this world! My one and only job was to take the red and green cherries and put them on tooth picks :-) I loved doing that! I got so excited! My parents always did all they could to make christmas magical! And it was!
In 1996 my grandfather passed away from cancer. Being 16 and losing someone that close to you from a horrible disease you don't know if you are ever going to be the same again. That christmas was when it all changed. I remember christmas eve that year being so sad and just wanting it to end. I had all the memories of the happiness and excitment and knowing what to expect from moment to moment. That year it was different. I wanted to see my grandfathers face when my mom took the castagnas out of the oven. She still made them that year and for a few years after. But they just sat there. He wasn't there to eat them.
The years following were just a repeat of 1995. In 1999 I got married and had our first child, a son. This year was going to be different! I was determined to make it different! I wanted my kids to have what my parents gave to us to experience! I tried so hard that year to muster all the christmas spirit I had in me! We had no money. I was a stay at home mom he was an auto technician. We lived in a small little apartment but I gave it my all! Our marriage was not good even at that point. But I wasn't going to let that stop me. Well it did. Christmas put such a stress on top of a stressful marriage. Arguing about the gifts and christmas decorations. And who's parents house we were going to go to and when. It became an ordeal year after year. I wanted to be little again! Experience the christmas excitment! We stayed together for 5 more years and had one more child, my daughter.
When we divorced, like most, not a pleasant one. I stayed at my parents for a bit and that christmas was filled with a different stress on top of being not so rich. Now I had the challenge of sharing my time with the kids with their father. As the years progressed that challenge got worse and the argument on splitting time at christmas break started well before Thanksgiving. Some years were financially better than others. Some years finacially just SUCKED! The spirit was GONE! Can I please just go back to being a kid!
This year 12 years later! It has been pretty much the same but added to it, we lost my Nona, My old lady, my best friend, the one I went to with all my secrets. Then just a couple months ago we lost my Papa (my dad's father), who over the past few years spent every holiday with us. I gained full custody of my kids. Which I am above and beyond thankful for! My kids are my world! But financially it is the worst one I have had in a very long time. I try to hide my worries from my kids. Sometimes I am extremely unsuccessful! I was in the kitchen crying (softly) frustrated and my 15 year old daughter came over to me and hugged me (for anyone who understands the struggles I went thru with not being able to get a hug because of our situation, THIS WAS HUGE! And I appreciate and soak in every hug I get now :-) <3 ) and said "Mom its not about the gifts. It's about spending time with family. Its about making things from your heart". I heard her but I still felt like I had failed all these years. Not being able to give them what my parents had given my sister and I. Last night I came home to house full of handmade cards. We couldn't afford to get our friends and family gifts this year and she knew this so she made the most beautiful hand made cards! Each filled with a letter to the recipient appreciating them. I cried reading them.
This is what christmas is! Not gifts....not money...LOVE! I have 4 days to find the Christmas love in my heart! I am determined to make this year the best year ever for my kids! They deserve it! I Deserve it!
I remembered something I had learned earlier this year in my year of growing. Music has always been a huge part of my life. I learned that music recorded at 528hz is the vibration of Love and because I was so desperate to get my mood lifted I googled Christmas music recorded at 528hz. And found this! https://youtu.be/782_44F6NFQ and although there are no words. I sing the words in my head and am loving the spirit!
So as I sit hear crying (thankful happy tears) and listen to christmas music. I am thankful for my kids! More than they know! And I am thankful for my friends and family! Merry Christmas everyone! Enjoy your families!
Hi there! I am new to the blogging thing so bare with me. I have had a long path at life and this year I decided to change that. The Law Of Attraction right? Positive thinking brings positve action. This blog is about the research I have done on making my life better.